As Foretold, Told, and Retold by Wicked High Priestess Spectra DeRange and Later Only Distantly Related to Great Magnum Shemdick Stuart P. Bentley, Once or Twice Blessed
You are about to begin reading “The Fresh Book of Bell Air”, the latest foundational choose-your-own-adventure cult of comedy scripture to be written by Stuart P. Bentley.
This isn’t as clever as you think, because the whole thing is a schism from the existing religion of Discordianism.
Thank you for reading my hilarious normal parody bible, in which I AM PROTECTED FROM THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF SPACE
The Atheist can not find God, for the same reason a thief can not find a policeman. - the guy who wrote the Peter Principle
I believe that we wear three masks in our lives: the mask of the Laugher, the mask of the Lover, and the mask of Andross, from Starfox 64.
The point of Discordianism is that things people really feel inside are too complex to state simply, and when we try, it sounds laughable, because there’s a Discord between what we know, and what they know. And that Discord is funny as fuck, but it’s real and crazy people aren’t just random
Like, I don’t need to get it, just so long as it makes sense to you, and you’re enjoying it. If one of those isn’t true, get help, especially if the latter is true but not the former on a regular basis, because that’s a sign you might be bipolar, and you’re about to lose the latter, too.
Life is a series of chutes and ladders, and Welcome… to Ladders.
Another thing I think is really critical to understanding Discordianism is that it’s a religion that actively asserts that you are a part of it, and that you can contribute back to it, can change it, by dint of just being cool enough for people to want to copy. Like, that’s how Illuninatus! became such a canonical Discordian work - the guys who wrote it weren’t following M2 and OKR’s style, but it didn’t matter, because it was just too integrated to ignore.
And, like, this isn’t too far out of the domain of conventional religion to be understood, IMO - indeed, I think it’s pretty sensible. Like, don’t a lot of religions have shrines you’re supposed to build of things that are important to you? Discordianism is like that, except that the shrine is structured so as to be your own personal religion, as in, conveying the way you personally live, the things that matter for you.
And, you know, you can tell wild-ass stories in the middle of it, too, if you want. Like, it’s basically a framework for meta-religion, in that it establishes, up-front, some very important ground rules for this to not turn into the kind of stuff it’s a reaction to:
Every Bellarian SHOULD (the word “SHOULD” here being defined as per BCP 14 of the Internet Engineering Task Force) write a thousand-page holy scripture starting their own religion that they never really tell anybody about, because the only one who needs to be Converted is yourself. If you do manage to Convert someone else (ie. they go “man, you’re cool, I would friend and follow you”, meaning they would steadfastly and devoutly adhere to your deeply-held religious beliefs, no matter how insane), then maybe tell them where they can find it (your Holy Living Draft should live somewhere public Online, as accessibly as possible, prefarably in a way that would get you killed in certain countries that would erect Great Walls of Fire around their citizens’ spiritual connections to the Internet).
Like, the Time Cube guy has the right idea. Do that, but try to be funnier than that guy.
You can repeat yourself. You can repeat yourself. And you can repeat yourself. Don’t fuss too much about rereading things you wrote before (though, like you SHOULD be writing something good enough that you’d want to go back and reread it later), just make sure that you get it down somewhere.
Also, keep a full revision history of the document, in case you cut something off, and it turns out later that you want it back. (Like that guy in Twin Peaks, who cuts off his arm because it’s posessed by demons.)
Don’t worry about Hyper Linking so much in your holy text: just write the thing you want to write, and if you’re worried you might forget what you wanted to link, I guess just put a Markdown link, and if you forget where you were going with that, just never bother to resolve it. You can go back and add the links later.
To me, Discordianism is the perfect synthesis of the spirit of Eastern and Western philosophy: the Eastern side is the one that says “You will discover what’s beautiful, what’s pure, what’s perfect and universal in all things”, and the Western side is “And I’M not gonna tell it to you, man! Fuck you! I’m doing my own thing, like Emo Phillips pushing a guy off a bridge! Figure it out for yourself, and if you can’t handle me at my worst, then fuck off and start your own religion, with blackjack, and hookers! Ah, screw the whole damn thing.” (Hence why so many in the Western world have screwed the whole damn thing.)
But it helps!
To be clear, you do not have to be Funny all the time. In fact, don’t. Seriously. You know who knew how to be serious? Robin Fucking Williams.